When Saying Yes Makes You Resentful

I have a confession: I’m a recovering people-pleaser.

For years, my default answer was yes, sometimes before I’d even stopped to think about whether I actually had the time, energy or desire to do whatever I’d just agreed to.

Part of it was not wanting to disappoint people. Sometimes I was so happy to be included that saying no felt risky. What if I turned down the invitation and they didn’t ask me again?

So I said yes.

Then occasionally I’d cancel at the last minute, show up already exhausted or find myself wondering why on earth I’d agreed to go in the first place.

It took me a while to recognize that constantly saying yes wasn’t necessarily generous or considerate. Sometimes I was saying yes to everyone else while completely ignoring what I needed.

I’m better about this than I used to be.

Not cured. But better.

I was reminded of that recently when Joe and I had plans to meet another couple for dinner.

I’d had a packed schedule. I was working, networking, volunteering and trying to keep up with the rest of my life. By the time dinner rolled around, I had nothing left.

I didn’t want to go.

But I also didn’t want to disappoint Joe, so I went anyway.

Very considerate of me.

Halfway to the restaurant, I picked a fight with him.

Apparently my thoughtful decision to avoid disappointing my husband had evolved into being unpleasant to my husband instead. 😂

And somewhere in the middle of being annoyed about something that probably wasn’t remotely worth being annoyed about, I realized what had happened.

I was resentful.

Not because Joe had done anything wrong. Not because dinner was an unreasonable request. I was resentful because I’d agreed to something I didn’t have the capacity for and then behaved as though someone else had made the decision for me.

Ouch.

I’ve done versions of this before. Maybe you have, too.

We say yes because we want to be nice, helpful, easygoing or accommodating. We don’t want someone to be disappointed. We don’t want to explain ourselves. We certainly don’t want anyone thinking we’re difficult.

Then the thing arrives and suddenly we’re irritated.

At the invitation.

At the person who asked.

At ourselves.

I’ve started paying much more attention to the moment before I say yes.

Do I want to do this?

Do I have room for it?

And if I don’t, why am I tempted to say yes anyway?

That last question is usually the interesting one.

There are times I choose to do something I don’t particularly feel like doing because it matters to someone I love. That’s part of having relationships. I don’t believe the goal is to do only what we want whenever we want.

But there’s a difference between making a conscious choice for someone and saying yes because we’re afraid of what might happen if we say no.

I’m still learning that a clear no can sometimes be much kinder than a reluctant yes.

Not only to me.

To the person who would otherwise have to spend twenty minutes in the car with cranky Cheryl.

So when I feel an automatic yes coming, I’m trying to give myself a little more time before answering.

Because if I can’t say no when I mean no, eventually that no has a funny way of coming out somewhere else.