How Often Does “Should” Make Your Decisions?

Years ago, I found myself standing in the shampoo aisle at Target holding two bottles.

One was volumizing. One was moisturizing. And I couldn’t decide.

Did I want bigger hair?

Shinier hair?

Which one should I get?

We’re talking about shampoo. Eight-dollar shampoo, if memory serves. This was not a decision requiring legal counsel.

I walked out with neither.

I can laugh about it now, but that moment said something about me that took me a long time to understand. I had become so accustomed to looking outside myself for the “right” answer that sometimes I had trouble figuring out what I wanted.

I’ve since become fascinated by the word should.

I should exercise more.

I should be further along by now.

I should go to that event.

I should be more social.

Sometimes “should” is useful. I probably should floss more consistently, and my dentist is welcome to quote me on that.

But other shoulds are worth questioning.

Where did this particular rule come from? Do I believe it? Do I want it? Or have I repeated it so many times that it simply sounds true?

That’s the part I didn’t understand for a long time.

When we’re constantly looking for what we should do, we’re usually assuming there’s a correct answer somewhere outside of us. Someone else knows how much we should accomplish, how we should look, what our relationships should be like or what choices a person like us is supposed to make.

And if there’s a right answer, there’s also the possibility of getting it wrong.

For me, that created a lot of second-guessing.

One thing I’ve started doing is paying attention whenever I hear myself say “I should.” I don’t automatically reject it. I just question it.

“I should go to that event.”

Why?

Maybe the answer is, “Because I committed to going and keeping my commitments matters to me.” Okay. That’s mine.

Or maybe it’s, “Because I’m worried someone will think I’m antisocial if I don’t.”

That’s different.

Sometimes I also change the language.

“I should exercise” becomes “I want to feel stronger, so I choose to exercise.”

“I should stay home” becomes “I’m choosing to stay home because I need the downtime.”

The circumstances may not change at all. What changes is that I’m making a conscious choice instead of following an instruction I haven’t examined.

I still catch myself should-ing all over myself. I suspect I always will. But I’ve become much more interested in knowing whose voice is making the decision.

Because maybe self-trust isn’t always about confidently knowing the right answer.

Sometimes it’s simply about remembering to ask yourself first.