Why Saying No is One of the Most Powerful Acts of Self-Care in Midlife

Boundaries and Self-Care in Midlife

For many of us, saying “no” feels tough. We worry about disappointing others, seeming difficult, or even being rejected.

But here’s the truth: saying “no” is one of the most powerful ways to care for yourself – especially when it comes to protecting your energy and preventing burnout in midlife. It’s not about pushing people away – it’s about setting healthy boundaries that protect our well-being.

Confessions of a Recovering People-Pleaser

I have a confession: I’m a (recovering) people pleaser.

For years, my default was “yes” – even when I had zero time, energy, or interest. I didn’t want to disappoint or be that person. Sometimes, I was so thrilled to be invited that I worried saying no meant never being asked again.

Classic people-pleasing and a fast-track to emotional exhaustion, right?

The problem was simple: Saying yes to everyone else meant saying no to myself.

I’d often cancel last minute or show up late (and blame traffic, of course) because I was running on empty. Then I’d wonder why I said yes at all – especially when it cost me the time I desperately needed to slow down and refill my tank.

The “Don’t Break The Ice” Moment:

These days, I try to be more intentional about what I say yes to – choosing only what I genuinely want to do or actually have the energy for.

I’ve been excited about building my business, volunteering, nurturing new friendships, and even taking singing lessons. Heck yes-es! Somehow, I’ve also managed to protect quality time with my husband (yes!), and (mostly) keep up with the house and everyday life.

Until last week.

Between networking for my upcoming Connected Hearts events and an already full calendar, I agreed to a couples’ dinner I simply didn’t have the energy for. I didn’t want to let my husband down, so I forced a yes.

Halfway to the restaurant, I picked a fight.

Why? Because an empty battery equals a very cranky Cheryl – a clear sign of overcommitting and ignoring my limits.

That one final yes was the last block on the Jenga tower – the one that made the whole thing come crashing down. The final plastic hammer hit in a game of Don’t Break the Ice (remember that one?).

Protecting Your Peace

Here’s what I’m learning: Saying no isn’t rejection – it’s protection.

Protection of my emotional well-being.
Protection of my energy.

Protection of the parts of me that need rest, space, and care.

I’m a master at helping my clients with boundary-setting, but in my own life, I’m still practicing. Every day offers a new opportunity to do it a little better.

Here’s what I’m focusing on right now – and what might help you too:

• The power of the pause: Before committing, I ask myself, Am I honoring my energy – or slipping into patterns of emotional labor? I give myself permission to check in with my gut before my mouth says “Sure!”
• Clear is kind: When something doesn’t fit, I practice saying no clearly and kindly. I’d love to, but I can’t make it work this time. Being clear isn’t rude – it’s respectful.
• Reframe the no: Saying no isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about creating the balance I need to show up fully – not just for myself, but for the people I care about.

Where in your life are you saying yes to others… while saying no to your own needs? What would it feel like to honor your capacity instead?

Try This: The “Boundary Muscle” Workout

Saying “no” is a skill, and like any muscle, it gets stronger with use. If you’re ready to practice, try one of these small shifts:

• Be direct: “I can’t commit to that right now.” You don’t owe anyone an itemized explanation of your schedule.
• Use a buffer response: “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” This creates space to decide without pressure.
• Choose kind but clear language: “I’d love to, but I have a lot on my plate right now.”
• Offer a pivot – only if you want to: “I can’t do dinner this week, but I’d love to go for a walk later this month.”
• Stick to your decision: Don’t let polite pressure change your mind. Your no is a gift to your future self.

Let’s start protecting our Jenga towers – and saving our energy for the things that truly make us soar. Learning to set healthy boundaries in midlife isn’t about limitation – it’s about freedom.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” — Brené Brown