Midlife Isn’t a Phase – It’s a Becoming

Midlife Isn’t a Detour – It’s the Road

You know what I wish people would stop saying?

“That’s just a phase.”

Like the way we’re feeling right now – restless, raw, reflective – is just some temporary detour before we snap back to our regularly scheduled program.

But this isn’t a detour.

It’s the road.

And we’re still driving. (If you’re anything like me, you’re driving a little too fast, music way too loud, and changing lanes like it’s an art form.)

I used to think midlife was something to get through. Now I see it for what it really is – a threshold. A becoming. An invitation to step into your whole self and finally decide who you want to be… and this time, not for anyone else.

When Growth Gets Uncomfortable

Years ago, I had a friend I bonded with over complaining. We’d spend hours dissecting other people’s choices, rolling our eyes at the world, and calling it “venting.”

It felt like connection – but looking back, it was more like a mutual-misery pact.

After coaching school, something shifted in me. I realized that constant negativity wasn’t just dragging me down – it was keeping me small.

So when my friend would launch into her usual rants, I tried to gently reframe things or suggest a different perspective.

She hated it.

The more I grew, the more she pushed back, trying to pull me into our old dynamic. “You’ve changed,” she’d say, like it was an accusation. “You used to be fun.”

Translation: Go back to being the version of you that made me comfortable.

And it hurt. Because I missed the ease of that friendship – but I couldn’t unsee what I’d seen.

The “Change-Back Attack”

Oprah’s life coach, Martha Beck, calls this a change-back attack – when someone resists your growth because it threatens their status quo.

They’re not bad people; they’re just scared. Your evolution shines a light on their own discomfort, and that can feel confronting.

And just to be clear – I’m not casting myself as the perfectly evolved one who always handles this gracefully. I’ve been on both sides. I’ve rolled my eyes, gossiped, judged, or laughed at someone else’s expense when I was feeling insecure.

We all have.

It’s what we do when we’re craving connection but don’t know how to reach for something deeper. But that kind of “connection” doesn’t lift us – it drains us.

Now, when I catch myself about to gossip or criticize, I stop and ask: Am I feeling grounded – or just a little off about myself right now?

Because confident, grounded women don’t need to tear others down to feel good.

Real connection starts with how we treat others – and how we treat ourselves when no one’s watching.

Choosing Your Energy Wisely

Here’s what I learned: some relationships are built on shared dysfunction, not real connection. And when you outgrow the dysfunction, you might outgrow the relationship, too.

It’s bittersweet – the growing and the letting go. But I’ve learned to honor that both can be true: I can love who someone was to me and accept that our paths have diverged.

These days, I’m intentional about who I give my energy to. I choose friends who celebrate my growth, not ones who shrink from it.

Change-back attacks can come from friends, family, coworkers, even your own inner critic. But recognizing them for what they are gives you back your power.

Your growth isn’t negotiable.

And anyone who makes you feel bad for becoming healthier, happier, or more authentic? That says everything about them – and nothing about you.

Who in your life celebrates your growth – and who feels unsettled by it? What would it look like to stop shrinking yourself to make others comfortable?

Try This: Stand in Your Light

When someone resists your growth, pause and ask yourself: Is this about me – or about their insecurity or discomfort with change?

You don’t have to dim your light just because someone else isn’t ready to shine.

Midlife isn’t about “getting through” change. It’s about becoming. Shedding what no longer fits. Standing comfortably in your own light. Choosing peace over approval.

Because evolution isn’t always graceful – but it’s always worth it.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” — Maya Angelou